Sunday, January 13, 2008

Cheerleading yourself late at night when you don't think you can do it.

i can do something about it. i don't know why it has never come across that something could be done. i don't know why before it would just play in my head and i would become a victim. finally i can empower myself and not be afraid of my emotions. finally i can have some say in what plays out in my head. i, for the longest time, froze... voices would yell at me over and over, daring me to take that next step. and if i ever did, i thought i would just fall apart; chaos. and i'd never return.

in other words, i was afraid i'd go crazy.

it's not the best thing to admit. but i think that is what prevents me from taking charge of my life. that if i'd do anything to the fullest, i might wander too far off and not find myself again.

i don't know where that rationale came from. perhaps when i wrote long papers or drew for six hours straight i began to lose ground. when i gave it my all, something chemically changed in my brain and it was easy for me to get lost in my head.

My therapist asked me what i want. what i want to do with my life i guess. i don't want to be afraid. all my life, the worry thoughts are there. it's what prevents me from giving it my all. i want to dedicate myself to something and find the fuel to fan the flames. to continue to work on something that i don't have to constantly ask someone to believe in me in order to do it. i want to believe in myself, in what i am made of. to know that all i need is already within me if i'd just dare to use it. i wonder how many people go about their lives never realizing what they're made of. how do i believe in myself. all this stuff i've accomplished and gone through and i still can't say i'm good enough.

i want to follow through with my life and stop selling myself short.

i always need people to help me believe in myself. to validate me. to say, you're doing a good job in a way that was true and not fake because that's what's you're supposed to do. i want to ride on that energy that others can give just by being in their presence, inspiring me to run (or cycle) that extra mile. like that person in the subway car who told me "you can step on my shoes anytime, if you're reading a book like that." keep up the good work. do it, do it. have fun with it. have a ball. laugh at yourself and still keep on going. take the bull by the horns be corny be the damn o captain my captain. be that person who inspires others and act the way you want to act. be a ham. be serious. be funny. don't care what others think. because you know you're a good person and no one should take that away from you. you're a good person, god, i can't even say that without cringing, like really? i'm a good person? how the heck are you supposed to do anything if you don't fundamentally think you're good?

and good? well that equals worthy. how do you know you're worthy to do the higher calling. how do you know you're worthy to be heard. you're worthy to speak and listen and engage in people you think are at a different plane that yourself. dammit, take charge! this is what life is about! ask people with authority!

yes you'll make mistakes, everybody does. learn from them, don't cry about them. pick yourself up and try again. do you need someone to tell you that? do you need someone to coach you to try again? do you need someone to tell you your worthy of trying to make another mistake again until you get it right? no one ever gets it right. you just do what you can do and hope it makes sense to other people. not in your lifetime. but in the end. ultimately you have lived your life to the fullest.

1 comment:

Kate Hutchinson said...

I have come to hate answering the question: "what do you want" because the very sad answer is:

I want enough money that I can stop worrying about it and do the things I love and explore the world and find new things to love.

Everything I want outside of money is in the abstract: I want to get to use my brain in my job, I want to be able to meditate on emptiness...

and the "solid" goals are nothing that would advance my goals, like achieving a perfect Crane Pose or successfully standing on my head. Or learning Chinese. Or tons of crazy things that I want to do but wouldn't interest most people.

Here's to finding what you want.